Courts must work toward a shared parenting norm – Miami Herald

“More Family Court Inspired Violence?”

Here’s the Miami herald‘s take on the topic ~

Recently, I got an interesting press release from the National Parents Organization, which said the organization believes “… that a powerful measure to reduce the number of mass shootings is going unexplored.”That sentence caught my attention and I read on: According to the Journal of Research in Crime and Delinquency, “The most reliable indicator of violent crime in a community is the proportion of fatherless families. Fatherless families, in turn, are caused in part by family courts that exclude fathers from post-divorce parenting. By instituting shared parenting after divorce or separation, fathers would be allowed to continue to show their sons the right way to grow into manhood.”

It has always baffled me that the bulk of the parenting seems to be placed on the mother whenever there is a divorce or separation. Many women who go through this trying time, must raise their children with a cut in income and/or a change in their lifestyle. Many, who had never worked outside the home, find themselves in the job market when often their only skills have been as stay-at-home moms. It is a rude awakening when this happens to a family — especially where there are male children involved.

In the release, Dr. Ned Holstein, founder and board chair of National Parents Organization said: “Unfortunately, however, our nation’s family courts prevent millions of divorced and separated fathers from having meaningful relationships with their children, which only leave their children more vulnerable to this unfortunate behavior.”“The repeat narrative is deeply troubling,” Holstein said. “An individual who grew up without the love and support of both parents turns to unfathomable, deadly gun violence. This must stop, and one piece of the solution is to ensure children have both parents intimately involved in their lives after separation or divorce… With this in mind, I urge legislators in all states to join the family court reform movement to make shared parenting the new status quo in our society, if both parents are fit and there has been no significant domestic violence.”Well, now. I agree to most of what Holstein has to say about this serious matter. But not all boys who grew up without the love and support of both parents turn to “unfathomable deadly gun violence.” I know of one who grew up in a fatherless home, and became the president of the United States.

Still, as a single mom who raised two sons, I know how frustrating it can be for a mom who must work outside the home and still is expected to instill all the positive male values in her son or sons. It is a hard hill to climb. It is hard to know who to trust with your children. In my case, I turned to the pastor and other godly men at my church to help me with the upbringing of my sons. It was a blessing to me as well as to my sons. I realize, though, that this isn’t the case with a lot of women. It is hard to know who to trust with your children.

While it is true our family courts must do more to move toward shared parenting whenever there is a divorce or separation in a family, an old saying comes to my mind concerning laws to make this possible: You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. In other words, the lawmakers can make the law, but enforcing it is still something else. There is no law to make a person love his or her children. Love can’t be legislated. We simply have to trust the courts to do the right thing whenever the law is broken.

The bottom line is still this: “… Our children need both parents in their lives to thrive,” Holstein said. “For this reason, lawmakers in every state must move forward with family court reform as soon as possible.”

I spoke with Holstein, who lives in Massachusetts, by phone. He said strides are being made. Within the past year, at least 22 states — Florida included — have passed and implemented legislation supportive of shared parenting after divorce or separation whenever the parents are fit.

BY BEA L. HINES — bea.hines@gmail.comFamily courts are clearly set up to make fathers and mothers fight. It brings out the worst in both of us because its dealing with children, OUR children. But the sad part is all of the bickering, fighting, and ensuing violence, suicides, murders etc could mostly all easily be avoided. 

How?

Simple.

Treat both mothers and fathers with equal respect. It should be de facto going into 75% or more of these child custody hearings that its going to be 50/50 custody end of story. Financial situations (aka so called child support) needs major reform but the key there is to start holding both parents responsible.

Right now if the so called custodial parent can’t buy her kid some new clothes, tough shit, the kid goes to school in rags. But if noncustodial daddy doesn’t pay his so called “child support” one month, all hell breaks lose. He has accounts levied, ruins his credit, loses his house, loses his license, and some states goes right to jail.

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Source: Courts must work toward a shared parenting norm – Miami Herald 

“As a woman, as well a mental health professional, a human rights advocate and the mother of a son, I refuse to be silenced about the overlooked side of social justice. As someone who used to identify as being a progressive, I believe it is time for all social justice-minded activists, professionals, and citizens to ask how they can call themselves champions of human rights if they are overlooking very real human rights issues, ignoring human suffering in half of the population, and inadvertently preventing the healing of our human family. It is time to allow a fearless and honest critique of feminist theory, especially that which minimizes sexual and domestic violence against males, minimizes violence by women, and advocates for anything other than compassion and equality in healing these tragedies. To do anything less is colluding with institutional and socially-sanctioned sexism.” 

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